Thursday, September 17, 2009


Have you ever wondered why at times, some of us are attracted to two people at the same time?

You may be happy (or not) in your relationship, when you suddenly find yourself being drawn to another person — it could be an emotional entanglement or physical attraction.

According to relationship counsellor, Dr Minnu Bhonsle, often a person who finds themselves drawn to two people, is one whose certain desires are being satisfied by one person and certain other desires are being satisfied by another person. Giving up one means giving up some of those desires, which they aren’t prepared to do. “More often than not, this problem arises when one looks at a relationship, based purely on one’s own gratification (I-centric), instead of a mutually shared partnership (we-centric) where the relationship, the ‘we’, the ‘us’ is valued and where healthy negotiations take place,” says Dr. Bhonsle.

A we-centric person communicates to the partner that certain basic relationship needs aren’t being fulfilled — this open communication and mutual understanding goes a long way in building stronger relationships. “One should know when and what to negotiate and when to simply let go and ignore. Many times people are confused with the terms ‘good times’ and a ‘good life’. A successful pursuit of endless good times is something that can never really exist, and can only result in inevitable sadness and disappointment of unfulfilled expectations,” says Dr. Bhonsle

Psychiatrist Dr Parul Tank says that there are cases where people are attracted to two people, and are even in two relationships at the same time. “People look for certain qualities in their partner and may find those qualities in two different partners. It may also be if one is seeking thrill or is bored with their current partner. Many times people have virtuals attractions — I have seen clients who are happily married but attracted to other people on the Internet. When this happens, it depends on how comfortable the person is in juggling the relationships and balancing a fine line of commitment,” she says. “It also depends on the degree of attraction, and whether the person can distance himself or herself if the need arises. Usually balancing two relationships often creates an emotional conflict leading to feelings of guilt, shame and anxiety in the individual,” says Dr. Tank.

You can:
* Break the fixation and give up your self-centeredness.
* Learn how to care about and be sincerely dedicated to the satisfaction of another.
* Become a sensitive listener, who hears what is said and some things that are not able to be said. * Postpone personal gratification to meet the needs of another. Get in touch with your deepest feelings and most hidden thoughts. * Share your most vulnerable self as an act of love.
* Get honest feedback from someone who really knows you through your own self-disclosure.
* Work at the delicate art of communication and shared decision-making.

Courtesy ToI

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