.... And here's why men have sex

READING the list of reasons why women sleep with men, David Thomas wondered: Don't they ever do it because they like us?Does desire mean anything to women? Because it certainly does to men.

In our youth, desire can be indiscriminate. A young man's relationship with his sex drive is like a dog-walker's with an ill-disciplined dog: he is led from pillar to post without hope of discipline or control. Some men, no matter how old they are, will never stop chasing women for sex.

But for most of us it's different. We've realised that girls, instead of being the pointless, silly creatures we took them for, are the most amazing, fascinating, desirable creatures on the planet.

They can make your heart soar with a glance, and crush your spirit with a sneer.

Women don't have to do anything to hold men in their power. Just existing is enough.

Why else would men have written countless poems and love songs? Why else would they have painted them, sculpted them, gone to war for them?

It's men, not women, who are the true romantics. We want sex because it feels great, reinforces our self-worth and, for us, physical intimacy is the proof and expression of emotional intimacy: to be denied sex is to be cast out.

This makes sex as frightening as it is intoxicating.

We hate to admit it, but we are dependent on women and worry about our ability to satisfy them.

In this Sex And The City age, we fear that every act of love will be analysed over cocktails like a premiership game on Match Of The Day.

Over time, lust and capacity fade. So sometimes we have sex just to prove we can. But most of all, ladies, we want sex because we love you.

themercury

Women really can't keep a secret: TONGUES START WAGGING AFTER JUST 47 HOURS

Ever wondered how long a woman can keep a secret? Well the answer, it seems, is less than two days.

Researchers found that they will typically spill the beans to someone else in 47 hours and 15 minutes.

A study of 3,000 women aged between 18 and 65 also found that four in ten were unable to keep a secret, no matter how personal or confidential the news was.

More than half admitted that alcohol could prompt them to dish the dirt. Boyfriends, husbands, best friends and mothers were most likely to be initial recipients of the information.

Michael Cox, UK Director of Wines of Chile which commissioned the research said: 'It's official - women can't keep secrets.

'We were really keen to find out with this survey how many secrets people are told. What we didn't bank on was how quickly these are passed on by those we confide in. 'No matter how precious the piece of information, it's often out in the public domain within 48 hours.

'That means every single Brit who has confided in a friend should be worried because they don't know where their secret is heading.

'The fact they offload gossip to someone completely unrelated to the matter or in a different social group can be comforting, but while nine in ten girls deem themselves trustworthy - they still have spilt the beans.

'And juicy gossip can really flow after a couple of glasses of wine.'
The study found that the average woman hears three pieces of gossip each week, and will pass it on to at least one other person.

Three in ten 'have the urge' to reveal secrets, with nearly half telling another to 'simply get it off their chest'.

However, two thirds end up feeling guilty after spilling the beans. Three quarters claim they are capable of keeping quiet about a secret, and 83 per cent consider themselves 100 per cent trustworthy.

Yet more than four in ten think it is acceptable to share a friend's secret with someone who does not know them, with over 40 per cent saying their husband is their ultimate confidante.

Intimate issues, true cost of purchases and affairs emerged top of the secret-keeping list. Fortunately for some, 27 per cent said they forgot what they were told the following day. MAIL

BED SHARING 'BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH'

Couples should consider sleeping apart for the good of their health and relationship, say experts.

Sleep specialist Dr Neil Stanley told the British Science Festival how bed sharing can cause rows over snoring and duvet-hogging and robs precious sleep.

One study found that, on average, couples suffered 50% more sleep disturbances if they shared a bed.

Dr Stanley, who sleeps separately from his wife, points out that historically we were never meant to share our beds.

He said the modern tradition of the marital bed only began with the industrial revolution, when people moving to overcrowded towns and cities found themselves short of living space.

Before the Victorian era it was not uncommon for married couples to sleep apart. In ancient Rome, the marital bed was a place for sexual congress but not for sleeping.

Dr Stanley, who set up one of Britain's leading sleep laboratories at the University of Surrey, said the people of today should consider doing the same.

"It's about what makes you happy. If you've been sleeping together and you both sleep perfectly well, then don't change, but don't be afraid to do something different.

"We all know what it's like to have a cuddle and then say 'I'm going to sleep now' and go to the opposite side of the bed. So why not just toddle off down the landing?"

Tossing and turning: He said poor sleep was linked to depression, heart disease, strokes, lung disorders, traffic and industrial accidents, and divorce, yet sleep was largely ignored as an important aspect of health.

Dr Robert Meadows, a sociologist at the University of Surrey, said: "People actually feel that they sleep better when they are with a partner but the evidence suggests otherwise."

He carried out a study to compare how well couples slept when they shared a bed versus sleeping separately.

Based on 40 couples, he found that when couples share a bed and one of them moves in his or her sleep, there is a 50% chance that their slumbering partner will be disturbed as a result.
Despite this, couples are reluctant to sleep apart, with only 8% of those in their 40s and 50s sleeping in separate rooms, the British Science Festival heard.

MSN

ARE YOU MISTAKING LUST FOR LOVE?

In terms of mature relationships and love, most of the times, people fail to distinguish

Every Cinderella longs to find her Prince Charming and live happily ever after. We all want to fall in love. Why? Because that experience makes us feel completely alive. Our emotions get magnified, senses get heightened, and we are flying in seventh heaven. It may only last a moment, an hour, a day, but that doesn't diminish its value....

But are you sure it’s love that we are talking about?

Why do independent, smart women become emotional wrecks after a romantic break-up? Why do older men gravitate towards younger women? Could it be estrogen and testosterone hormones that addict us to our lovers? In terms of mature relationships and love, most of the times, people fail to distinguish between the true meaning of love and lust.

Have you ever been swept off your feet by a man/woman standing next to you in a queue? Is it merely infatuation, a strong shot of chemistry, or budding love - the real thing? Is Cupid playing a prank or bringing you true love forever?

Love at first sight is not believable. Love takes time. Lust at first sight sounds much more accurate. A study done by testing the blood samples of twenty couples, who claimed to be madly in love for less than six months, revealed that serotonin levels of new lovers were equivalent to the low serotonin levels of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder patients.

It's hard to tell if you are in love because there’re no set defining characteristics of love. The dictionary says it's "a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection" or "a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person." What exactly is this feeling or attraction?

The question evoked the thought process of Paramita Roy, a fashion designer; she was surprised that she had never thought of this aspect of her relationship before. After much silence she concluded, "Emotions are not sufficient to suggest whether a relationship is that of love, no matter how strong the attraction may be." Sadly, there is not much awareness to distinguish between lust and love and that is why we have so many emotional and social problems.

Since time immemorial we are hearing that love is blind. But that’s a mistake; real love is not blind. Quite the opposite, it is a relationship in full awareness. Over time, through good communication and wisdom, you can start knowing your partner. Gradually, you become aware of his/her flaws and try to work your differences in a healthy way.

Lust, on the other hand, could be perceived as being "blind" as it usually distorts reality, especially when you're so involved that you don’t care to find out the real persona of your partner. According to Shruti Bhatia, a psychologist, we often idolize our partners, magnify their virtues and find a way to explain their flaws. This basically happens because many movies, books and songs paint an unrealistic portrait of love, which further builds a false perception of love in our minds.

When Sameer Nagpal, a commercial pilot by profession, was asked whether his six-year-old relationship was based on love or lust, he was quick to reply, "Love is full of sacrifices, trust and respect whereas lust is built on physical attraction, fun and thrills. Real love is commitment. I cannot categorize my relationship as a short sensational affair of love is in the air."

Do some real soul searching today and identify your relationship. If you're in a relationship which does not have fondness, respect, affection, devotion along with passion, it would be wise to back off. Or else, one day those wonderful romantic feelings will be gone and you will wonder what happened to your perfect romance. Accept the fact that you or your partner is not ready for commitment. After all, commitment is a choice which is backed up with actions and maturity.

Courtesy ToI

WHEN YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH TWO...

Have you ever wondered why at times, some of us are attracted to two people at the same time?

You may be happy (or not) in your relationship, when you suddenly find yourself being drawn to another person — it could be an emotional entanglement or physical attraction.

According to relationship counsellor, Dr Minnu Bhonsle, often a person who finds themselves drawn to two people, is one whose certain desires are being satisfied by one person and certain other desires are being satisfied by another person. Giving up one means giving up some of those desires, which they aren’t prepared to do. “More often than not, this problem arises when one looks at a relationship, based purely on one’s own gratification (I-centric), instead of a mutually shared partnership (we-centric) where the relationship, the ‘we’, the ‘us’ is valued and where healthy negotiations take place,” says Dr. Bhonsle.

A we-centric person communicates to the partner that certain basic relationship needs aren’t being fulfilled — this open communication and mutual understanding goes a long way in building stronger relationships. “One should know when and what to negotiate and when to simply let go and ignore. Many times people are confused with the terms ‘good times’ and a ‘good life’. A successful pursuit of endless good times is something that can never really exist, and can only result in inevitable sadness and disappointment of unfulfilled expectations,” says Dr. Bhonsle

Psychiatrist Dr Parul Tank says that there are cases where people are attracted to two people, and are even in two relationships at the same time. “People look for certain qualities in their partner and may find those qualities in two different partners. It may also be if one is seeking thrill or is bored with their current partner. Many times people have virtuals attractions — I have seen clients who are happily married but attracted to other people on the Internet. When this happens, it depends on how comfortable the person is in juggling the relationships and balancing a fine line of commitment,” she says. “It also depends on the degree of attraction, and whether the person can distance himself or herself if the need arises. Usually balancing two relationships often creates an emotional conflict leading to feelings of guilt, shame and anxiety in the individual,” says Dr. Tank.

You can:
* Break the fixation and give up your self-centeredness.
* Learn how to care about and be sincerely dedicated to the satisfaction of another.
* Become a sensitive listener, who hears what is said and some things that are not able to be said. * Postpone personal gratification to meet the needs of another. Get in touch with your deepest feelings and most hidden thoughts. * Share your most vulnerable self as an act of love.
* Get honest feedback from someone who really knows you through your own self-disclosure.
* Work at the delicate art of communication and shared decision-making.

Courtesy ToI